I was at a friend’s house, sitting around the kitchen with maybe eight adults while a few babies and toddlers roamed around us. A friend-of-a-friend, a father of four, was letting us know his views on breastfeeding: it’s totally gross to breastfeed after about six months, and beyond disturbing to nurse a walker or a talker: “You shouldn’t nurse someone who walks up to you and asks.” He gave the whole body shudder at imagining a little person toddling up to his or her mother to nurse. Over his right shoulder, I saw my nearly-two-year-old headed my way. ‘Uh, oh,’ I thought, ‘this man is about to get a live demonstration.’ To my slight disappointment, my little boy did not run up and stick his head under my shirt. That would have been kind of fun. Instead, several of my friends, who are, of course, aware that #1 nursed until 18 months and #2 shows no signs of slowing down at 22 months, looked at me and grinned. I raised my hand and said, “I still nurse.” The anti-nurser said, “Wait–who do you nurse?” I really wanted to tell him it was my three year old, but I guess there’s only so much he could take. Plus it would have been a lie. I told him the truth, that I still nurse the little guy. The man turned three shades of pink and began to stammer a little. Awww, poor guy–he’s actually a pretty nice person. I didn’t really want to see him suffer. “Hey, no problem,” I said, “I totally get that lots of people think lots of different things when it comes to this, and I’m fine with that.”
To some breastfeeders out there, I let that guy off too easy. But here’s my dirty little secret: I actually do get where he’s coming from. To be very honest, I was a tad grossed out myself, even while pregnant, to imagine breastfeeding a baby. I didn’t get how it would work and how it would not be uncomfortable and how it would not be just plain weird. I remember my mom nursing my sister, and I certainly have always been a vehement supporter of the right to nurse in public with no exceptions, so it didn’t weird me out for other people to do it. But to think of doing it myself (perhaps because of a certain friend’s story–something about the breast pump expelling pink milk from her bloody nipples) did not particularly appeal to me. I decided not to decide until I tried. I didn’t want to set myself up for a disappointment if it was horrible.
And, really, there’s not much of a story once the baby was born. I had outstanding lactation people helping me in the hospital, and calling constantly, even a year later, to check on us and gently support us. I just didn’t have any real problems with it, and happened to like it.
But that’s me–I wonder if this man’s attitude might have affected his wife’s choice to breastfeed or not, or when to stop. I’m guessing she didn’t get a whole lot of support from him if it turned out to be something she wanted to do. On the flip side, the boundary between support and pressure can be tough to call. A friend of mine felt very put upon by the lactation consultants after her baby’s birth. She did not want to breastfeed. So she left the hospital not just exhausted and in pain, but with a huge helping of guilt. A month later, she admitted to me that she thought of throwing her infant against the wall when she was up with her in the middle of the night. I’m not blaming the breastfeeding pressure, but this new mother didn’t need the extra stress, and none do. Another friend really did want to breastfeed, but it just wasn’t working, and was making her miserable, but she felt so much pressure to keep trying. She called me when the lactation person told her to try to get support from a breastfeeding friend. Maybe I was supposed to give her some magic trick to get it working or to talk her out of quitting, but I told her to give herself the choice to stop if she wanted to. I can’t help feeling that heaping unhappiness and stress on a new mother doesn’t qualify as breastfeeding support.
So, yeah, the breastfeeding-a-toddler-is-gross guy got off easy–I could have started a great argument, or at least a lively discussion. But, hey, if he doesn’t like to see that, that’s fine with me. But next time he hangs out with me, he just might.
Good post. I too never thought I’d be an extended breastfeeder (I think thats 12mths +) and I used to say to myself that when they can ask for it that’s when it should stop… but then when I had a baby I realised that they can ask for it from the moment they’re born, with mouthing and nuzzling and crying and stuff and you bond with your baby doing all that and then as their skills develop and they can tip their head on the side when they see your breast, or pull at your shirt or smile at the sight of you undoing your bra, well what’s the difference.. and if you’re ok with breastfeeding longer then your baby asking for it with baby words and later full vocabulary doesn’t seem so strange.
I can understand you not wanting a confrontation with this guy, you don’t always have the energy for defending your decisions to everybody.. in truth you probably did the trick nicely by just saying to him that actually you do breastfeed your toddler. He had to come to terms with his prejudices and see that you weren’t a freak or a pervert – just you know, a mother for crying out loud.
I felt so much joy and amazement at those first communications that you mentioned–that probably is why the progression to nursing an older baby isn’t weird for me when I soooo thought it would be.
And I so much prefer your comment that I don’t have the energy to defend myself all the time to my worry that I just wimped out with that guy. It reminds me of a time I outright lied about co-sleeping–I felt guilty about that, too…. but it was a similar situation. Wasn’t in the mood to be the defender of the universe.
WOW! Great story. I remember talking with another mom right after I birthed. We were both admitting that we didn’t think we could deal with a talking nurser. Little did we know how amorphous those transistions would be. Great comments, too. I love the idea that we can’t always be the “defender of the universe.” Thanks, Marjorie. Phew. Just the thought of that makes me tired.
I think its a mature point of view, everyone has their own views and feelings about motherhood & bf’ing.The whole point of it is health related, so you’ve got to take into consideration everything mental, physical, emotional. I certainly am not gonna judge that for someone else, I have a hard enough time doing it for myself.