As soon as she sat her baby, who looked to be almost a year old, in the little firetruck, he screamed, twisted, turned red, and tried to claw his way out. So the mother picked him up, and she made her way through the overpriced, cutesy kid haircut place to a chair she could sit in while holding the child on her lap. He was just as furious. More kicking, clawing, and screaming.
In a packed waiting area, two compassionate souls stared at her and discussed:
“Why is she putting him through this?”
“Why doesn’t she just go?”
“The kid doesn’t even have any hair.”
“Why is she getting her picture taken?”
“What a waste of money.”
“Obviously her first kid.”
Perhaps these two have never had a difficult moment with their children, or have had them only in the privacy of their living rooms. What a dangerous game to gloat while another parent is having trouble; one stuck in the middle of a group of impatient people, no less, with nothing else to do but stare at her.
Really, how dare they.
Maybe she did just pay half her grocery bill for the “First Haircut Package”: We’ll take your picture with this crappy old camera that won’t even turn out well! We’ll let you take a lock of hair! We’ll charge you almost $30 for this! Maybe she’ll kick herself for it–or maybe she’ll treasure that picture.
Maybe she planned her whole weekend–all the naps, meals, snacks, car time–for this First Haircut, only to fall victim to the always fascinating unpredictability of babies.
Maybe this afternoon will roll right off her back–be nothing more than a funny story to tell her friends. You know how little Parker never cries, right? Well, you wouldn’t have believed the screams! I swear!
Maybe she was fighting back tears until she got to the car.
What does it matter? Since when do the parents whose children are impeccably behaved at one particular moment in time and space get to revel in another parent’s struggle and decide they know better?
You’re right – no parent should “revel” in the difficulties of another. BUT some parents actually do know more about the parenting role than others. Perhaps it more experience, better instruction by someone else who has been down the road before them, or God-given wisdom. But the reality is, just like a coach should know more about the game than the players, some parents know more about parenting than others.
They KEY is in finding ways to help those who need the help, in ways that they’ll receive. Nothing is more intimidating and difficult than to have someone “talk” to you about your kids… it’s personal, and is often (sadly) taken way too personally when the other person, out of compassion, may simply want to help.
Oh, the public tantrums…dragging child out of Target because she refuses to sit peacably in the cart…dragging her out of the pool because she doesn’t believe in closing time…having to make it a “family” photo instead of a “child” photo because she refuses to sit on the table by herself. I try to make my child’s behavior as painless as possible for the general public, but sometimes that is impossible and I appreciate a knowing look from another parent saying, “It happens to the best of us.”
As a side note, I am a much more compassionate person toward other people’s children now that I have one of my own.
Whoa- settle down there Carey.
I’d say you’re right some parents do know more about parenting than others. HOWEVER, those people rarely think of themselves that way. Generally, their experience, or instruction or “God-given” wisdom has taught them humility and given them the knowledge that in the scheme of things they really know very little.
Your coach/player analogy doesn’t quite work either. Coaches may or may not know more than their players. I imagine the relationships at pro levels are very different than at your local YMCA. I know college athletes know and participate actively. You get different perspectives and ideas. Way too often you get high school coaches who think they know far more than they do.
On the other hand it’s fairly insulting to assume the “coach” role and relegate the other parents to “player” status. That’s pretty condescending as well as egotistical.
The KEY is realizing there are many ways to parent. The people who reject your “help” may not have your goals. I sure as hell don’t want to be raising my kids by the bible. Nothing is more infuriating than having a know it all come try to give me unasked for advice.
Your goals may be honorable but that doesn’t make them any more wanted.
As you say, Marjorie, a dangerous game to play, judging others’ kids. And mean. And … untruthful. Who hasn’t had a kid go apesh*t, for no good reason, at just the wrong moment, with seemingly the whole world watching, and just wanted to cry/ scream/ walk away?
I’m with Will, it’s alienating and hurtful to hear advice, no matter how well meant, unless it’s directly asked for. On the other hand, it’s always so nice (and so rare) to have someone give me a sympathetic grimace, or ask if there’s something they can get for me, to offer me a sense of solidarity rather than judgement.
Some people have to learn this lesson by being on the other end of a freakishly inexplicable tantrum by their child. Sympathy first is my motto…
hm. interesting debate, but i’m going to have to go with will on this one. carey, i think you spoke too soon and too forcefully. you can’t look at a parent in ONE situation and assume they need parent coaching.
personally, i think i’m a pretty good parent, i have a kid who normally doesn’t scream in public, and i try not to put us in tricky situations like first haircuts.
but, seriously, it happens and how can you know what the true story is? my daughter hates my chiropractor and screams bloody murder the entire appointment. i feel terrible for everyone else in the office, but there’s nothing i can do about it.
if you were in the room next door and heard this happening…would you call me a bad parent in secret? would you take me aside and coach me through how to talk to my child?
i think i’d rather you shrugged your shoulders at me, grimaced in pity, chuckled at how cute kids can be when they’re pissed off, and chalked it up to another day at parenting as best you can.
marjorie – did you ever expect a seemingly innocent post such as this could create such a hubbub? fanTAStic.
I wonder what those moms would have said about me bribing my terrified, crying, first-born with a bag of marbles (shockers! He was under age 3!) to sit in a barber chair. There was a long back-story to that incident, related to his particular temperament and my very, very patient attempts at encouraging him in new situations, but those mothers would only have seen this one moment, not the rest of it. I am sure tha t there have been oodles of times when I have appeared shockingly callous/impatient/insensitive/ or conversely, overly child-centric and indulgent, but those would only be moments in the grander plan. After 4 kids, I truly don’t care about what impression I leave anymore. I hope that young mom felt the same.
A supportive word or kind smile really does make such a difference if you’re having a less than perfect moment with a child. That’s all that this woman needed, and it was certainly what she deserved rather than snide remarks. I had quite a stomachache during this little incident. Truthfully, I can’t imagine the audacity of a person who would have given this particular woman advice in this particular situation.
To the larger issue of parenting advice and who the parents are who need it–and from whom–I would certainly not be a fan of receiving advice I don’t ask for from someone who presumes to be a “better” parent than I am. It’s not up to certain people to decide that they know more based on experience, number of children, their fabulous intelligence, divine intervention, or whatever, to compassionately “help” the rest of us poor confused souls. Who on earth gets to decide who the best parents are? I’m very capable of seeking out–in real life, on blogs, in books, on web sites–parents, pediatricians, or whoever, who can best guide me or give me advice when I need it.
*burro–the marbles story is funny–and she did give him candy as soon as they got out of the chair, which I’m sure sent these women right over the moon–but I had already moved by then and didn’t get to hear.
*No, serahrose, hubbub never entered my mind with this post. Seemed straightforward enough–“mean ladies bad” and all that…. 🙂
So true. I had just this thought the other day when someone was telling me about how they were giving this mother a glaring for her child’s tantrum. They felt vindicated saying that the child was interrupting their meal and making it unpleasant and all I could think was how unpleasant was the whole situation, including the glaring for the mother.
I am the first person to say I have no advice for anyone and if someone has cracked this parenting nut well then how BORING!!!! It’s a challenge. and then it’s smooth. It’s completely bi-polar and I am riding the highs and lows of doing it all wrong and feeling like I might not be half bad at this.
The insecure judging is exactly that. Insecurity. And rightfully so to feel insecure. It’s tough to navigate through “right” and “wrong” of parenting. So, just like everything else, we need to support each other even if we’re doing it differently than someone else. Let’s give glimpses of kindness not glares, like the one bluemilk described.
Candace–I really liked the way you frame the insecurity and the highs and lows of parenting–embracing the insecurity seems to be a healthy, positive way to deal with it rather than trying to get to world expert status.